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Saturday, 16 October 2010

Blogged to Order

This is my second attempt of writing this blog, so if it's rubbish which it will be, its the internets fault for deleated the first one! or it's sods law according to me!

Well, I dont know how I began it... probably moaning.

I was debating which uni degree to do that last time I blogged, and I have decided on a Arts and Humanities one. At the moment though I am about to begin a psychology course, the one I was in the process of cancelling for a finance one. The Uni sent me the psychology course books and I bloody love them. Universe? I dont know about that. (faiths fallen).

life???? well.... I'm pissed off to be truthful. I feel cursed. No seriously. I do.

My life was fabulous when I was first at college studying for my accountancy qualifications, I was sooo bloody happy, I mean ...SERIOULSY happy. I didnt need anything or anyone... But I met DAVE...the idiot. And he helped screw it all bloddy up. I'm doing my degree and working at the school which I need to give up. its sapping me of everything I am, but i'm not happy. I need to live my dream...which was to be an accountant....

This blog is pointless.... it's not as good as the first one...

Forget it. It don't matter.


I don't trust people. I really dont. I stems from when I was threatened with my life at school. My friends, about 15 of them just set on me. I lost my confidence, self esteem, everything. I was pulled out of school, taught at home because I was too scared to leave the house. Every day i'm slowly getting stronger...until I have a day like now, and it knocks me. I am very prone to depression. I can get it in the flick of a switch. When I get it, life is really bad. I start to hate myself. I can really get quite negative. Triggers can be anything. Liek this stupid internet deleting a blog post has set me off!

I had a dream when I was 8 years old to be an accountant, have loads of money, handsome husband, nice house, cars, buy myself a yacht, a villa in Italy. Kids, private school etc. But as a teaching assistant,... I cant have that. So I feel I need to try and get back to my accounting somehow. It scares the hell out of me, the thought of getting back there. But I need to try.

I just want to be worthy!, I dont feel worthy anymore. Im trying. but i've lost the real me. The whole 100% me. Im trying to get her back but I cant find her. I don't know where she is.


so when "The Witch Inside" doesn't blog for a while... its best to let her babble, bubble, boil and then simmer... or else she could just spill grime everywhere.

Night Night.

3 Readers Musings:

  1. Well, I did say just be honest lol.
    I'm sorry to hear of your crappy time at school, I hate that kind of shit, there was a girl who got bullied so badly she topped herself....the girl who walked around giving her the grief didn't even get expelled. Makes me so angry.
    So Dave was your dickhead he? Mine was called Richard or Dick for short, I think we have all had one like that, I lost all self esteem, self worth, my self, who I was, what I wanted to be. Once I gained enough courage to bin Dick, I had to start from scratch again, I had to find me and not be afraid anymore of looking at my phone or talking to other people includeing my own family - he was a controlling son of a bitch - think he ended up in the army!
    Eventually you will start to place yourself together again sweetie, yes its a long road of self descovery, but one you have to make, you have to find you again.
    Depression is hard to live with, Ive only ever suffered post natally and that was bad enogh but I can understand that anything can trigger it off, you have to have a strong support network around you to lean on when you have your down times.
    You will get back to your chosen career path babes, yes it will take hard work and no it hasn't happened the way you thought it would, but that doesnt mean there isn't a reason for it and that things won't work out perfectly in the end because they will hunni bun they totally will. If you drempt of being an accountant at the age of 8 and you still ahve a pull towards that now then thats what you should be doing, do your accountancy course, pass it with honors and don't worry about your age you're still young babes, trust me I have retrained people in their 50's for change of career so don't think that ages is against you.
    Think, your lifes had a blip and your smoothing out the road ahead one bump at a time.
    Love ya always babe xxxxxx

  2. You matter. What you want matters. I hope you get what you want and need.

    If you find yourself wanting a little more arts in your degree, have you considered a full business degree, or economics? (Only ideas, don't change what you want because of my brainstorms.)

  3. thanks both for your replies. It means a lot to me.

    Calandreya: I've finally decided on a Humanities degree which covers Art, Art History, Literature, Archaeology, History and Greek Mythology. That will satisfy my creative self. My material self will be happy with finishing my Accounting training. So I can focus on those.

    Pixie: Well, I've cleansed my living room and bedroom and it feels better. Not perfect but hopefully it will last until that incense arrives. I realised today that all my witchy supplies are EMPTY. No incense, candles, oils, anything! all gone. So at some point I'll need to try and build the supplies up again.
    I realise it's going to take time to build my life again, and I have dug out all the cosmic ordering book again. So I shall start from scratch and read them, place my orders and try to remain positive.
    Thank you for all your love and support. It means the world to me. xxxxxx