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Wednesday, 4 August 2010

Lacking Energy in My Life

Hello,

When I first created this blog I did it so I could truly reveal who I am, the ups the downs, everything. Today's blog post is going to be true to that.

At the moment I feel that my life is lacking the energy to go in the direction I'd like it to. I was just thinking about my life and I realised that in the past 10 years the one time I've been truly happy and excited about life, enjoying life as I felt it was going in the direction I wanted it to, was when I was in my first year at college in a long term relationship with a guy called Craig. It was overall a good relationship that ended due to circumstances that we'd tried to work out. We had a life together and it was hard to end it. It was as close to married life that I've come to. I'll always love him, and love the relationship we had.

Since then I dated a few guys, one in particular was a squaddie, Dave. Yep, see I only have to say his name and I hear a thousand voices groan "Oh him!". At the time I thought I loved him, that I could marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. Upon reflection though, I can see that we were never meant to be, and I wholeheartedly wish i'd never let him into my life. He has done something to me that I never thought any guy would do. He has stripped me of all my self worth, my self confidence in who I am, and has made me come to believe that if he didn't want me, no body else ever will.

Now for the present feelings part.
I feel lonely, like i'm missing the other half of me. I know he's there somewhere and I know it's all meant to happen at the right time, but if I have ever needed to know that someone will love me, support me, and be there for me no matter what, it's now. I have wonderful friends, and i'm starting to get my career sorted. I'm at university, something I've always dreamt of doing. But at the times when an assignment is due and then when I get it back and feel that I should have done better to get a better grade....I wish he could be there to tell me that I "did well, and he'll help me on my next one as he knows how important it is to me" and the times when I get up on a morning and look in the mirror and actually see myself as being "pretty" and my deepest wish is that he'd walk up behind me and say "You always look beautiful to me"....
I really do feel ready to be with someone again.... but I feel I have set my standards so high (to protect myself from heartache as no one like that exists, only in Mills and Boon novels) that I'm not allowing anyone to enter my life. I must admit though, I do love the idea of a tall, dark handsome Italian, dressed head to toe in a black designer suit, gorgeous hair, smile that dazzles, that looks like a God..... I know, who doesn't.... but the thing is, I actually saw this guy.... he walked right past me a couple of summers ago.... he was mid sentence, caught my eye stopped talking and couldn't take his eyes off me.... a brief encounter with my dream guy. That was the day I actually decided that I could be that woman who has that guy...(with moments of self doubt arising quite frequently) I also decided that I would never dress head to toe in black anymore, the depression dressing had to go.... I need colour, first reds, then whites, now any colour I feel like. I also now dress for my body shape, to embrace the curves and not hide them. they are a part of who I am.

I have read all the books like "The Secret" and "Ask and you shall recieve" ...... done the things they suggest, even applied feng shui to my bedroom. He's still not here. Neither has my finances improved :-)

The Witch in me says cast a spell for prosperity, and cast a spell to invite "The One" into your life. Allow these things to come to you. Back it up by exercising so you feel great, wear clothes that make you feel worthy, tell yourself you are worthy, read the book suggested by a friend that is so clearly working :-D

Yet.... I'm actually scared that it won't happen, not for me. I know thats a big no no if you want to manifest something in your life. I know that, I scream inside myself that I need to think positive to get positive things in my life..... I'm my own worst enemy.

The stupid thing is, although "The One" would love me as I am..... I actually fear him not liking certain things about me......

The only conclusion I can come to is to listen to The Witch Inside myself.

Thanks for listening

Aurora xx

6 Readers Musings:

  1. My lovely darling Rora xxx You are right you will meet him, its hard when some prick comes along and stamps all over your self worth it's a complete and utter shitter, and they need to be stood on....by me! I have been in a relationship where the same thing happened to me, I was with him for years, he had my parents wrapped round his finger and they never beleived me on anything not even when he did some really shady things it was always - well what did you do that made him do that! Anyway the point is, once you get the crap out of your life you immediately start looking for something good but can't find it because your self esteem is on the floor.
    You have to pick yourself up, look in the mirror and say hi Aurora your perfect just the way you are. Everytime you think negatively about yourself your esteem takes abattering and its just your subconsiounce trying to win out - dont let it - its like the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other!
    Timing does have to be perfect for meeting 'the one' there maybe karmic lessons you have to go through first before you meet him. But Rora, you will meet him. What you have to do is make a list of everything you do want in your ideal partner, write it down, also maybe try cosmicly ordering him by a certain date (realisticly) but remember you can do a spell for love, friendship, prosperity and they won't work unless you go out and do your part....mystery man won't come knocking on your door, (maybe he will if hes a contractor of some sort lol) you have to get out and mingle girlfriend lol.
    Alway have perfect love and perfect trust that you will meet the man of your dreams.
    I like the part about you not wearing black anymore, I am so the same I have so much colour in my clothes now compared to a couple of years ago, colour makes you happy, red gives you confidence, pink shows your loving side, and a smile makes people wonder what you've been up to lol Keep the faith hunni xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. My lovely darling Rora xxx You are right you will meet him, its hard when some prick comes along and stamps all over your self worth it's a complete and utter shitter, and they need to be stood on....by me! I have been in a relationship where the same thing happened to me, I was with him for years, he had my parents wrapped round his finger and they never beleived me on anything not even when he did some really shady things it was always - well what did you do that made him do that! Anyway the point is, once you get the crap out of your life you immediately start looking for something good but can't find it because your self esteem is on the floor. Cont.....
    You have to pick yourself up, look in the mirror and say hi Aurora your perfect just the way you are. Everytime you think negatively about yourself your esteem takes abattering and its just your subconsiounce trying to win out - dont let it - its like the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other!
    Timing does have to be perfect for meeting 'the one' there maybe karmic lessons you have to go through first before you meet him. But Rora, you will meet him. What you have to do is make a list of everything you do want in your ideal partner, write it down, also maybe try cosmicly ordering him by a certain date (realisticly) but remember you can do a spell for love, friendship, prosperity and they won't work unless you go out and do your part....mystery man won't come knocking on your door, (maybe he will if hes a contractor of some sort lol) you have to get out and mingle girlfriend lol.
    Alway have perfect love and perfect trust that you will meet the man of your dreams.
    I like the part about you not wearing black anymore, I am so the same I have so much colour in my clothes now compared to a couple of years ago, colour makes you happy, red gives you confidence, pink shows your loving side, and a smile makes people wonder what you've been up to lol Keep the faith hunni xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. :-) That has made me smile. You make perfect sense, I know what I have to do, its having the guts to do it lol. Ill start by reading that book, and doing the little things to improve my self confidence. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. thats the first step, it really is hun, there to ways of changing thing, all at once (quick like ripping off a band aid) or baby steps (small steps to making regualr progress) they both work.
    You have the guts to do it sweetie xxx

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  5. Greetings! Merry Meet, Aurora!

    Found your blog through Pixie's recent post. Even though we have never met and don't know each other, there is always room for more friends. I see you are going through what I call a down time. I want you to know I am also here, whether as an acquaintance or friend. You can email me anytime. :)

    Peace, love, and light!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hello,

    Thank you so much, It's lovely that you have a good heart. I look forward to getting to know you. I'd love to be friends :-)

    Lots of love xx

    ReplyDelete