When I first created this blog I did it so I could truly reveal who I am, the ups the downs, everything. Today's blog post is going to be true to that.
At the moment I feel that my life is lacking the energy to go in the direction I'd like it to. I was just thinking about my life and I realised that in the past 10 years the one time I've been truly happy and excited about life, enjoying life as I felt it was going in the direction I wanted it to, was when I was in my first year at college in a long term relationship with a guy called Craig. It was overall a good relationship that ended due to circumstances that we'd tried to work out. We had a life together and it was hard to end it. It was as close to married life that I've come to. I'll always love him, and love the relationship we had.
Since then I dated a few guys, one in particular was a squaddie, Dave. Yep, see I only have to say his name and I hear a thousand voices groan "Oh him!". At the time I thought I loved him, that I could marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. Upon reflection though, I can see that we were never meant to be, and I wholeheartedly wish i'd never let him into my life. He has done something to me that I never thought any guy would do. He has stripped me of all my self worth, my self confidence in who I am, and has made me come to believe that if he didn't want me, no body else ever will.
Now for the present feelings part.
I feel lonely, like i'm missing the other half of me. I know he's there somewhere and I know it's all meant to happen at the right time, but if I have ever needed to know that someone will love me, support me, and be there for me no matter what, it's now. I have wonderful friends, and i'm starting to get my career sorted. I'm at university, something I've always dreamt of doing. But at the times when an assignment is due and then when I get it back and feel that I should have done better to get a better grade....I wish he could be there to tell me that I "did well, and he'll help me on my next one as he knows how important it is to me" and the times when I get up on a morning and look in the mirror and actually see myself as being "pretty" and my deepest wish is that he'd walk up behind me and say "You always look beautiful to me"....
I really do feel ready to be with someone again.... but I feel I have set my standards so high (to protect myself from heartache as no one like that exists, only in Mills and Boon novels) that I'm not allowing anyone to enter my life. I must admit though, I do love the idea of a tall, dark handsome Italian, dressed head to toe in a black designer suit, gorgeous hair, smile that dazzles, that looks like a God..... I know, who doesn't.... but the thing is, I actually saw this guy.... he walked right past me a couple of summers ago.... he was mid sentence, caught my eye stopped talking and couldn't take his eyes off me.... a brief encounter with my dream guy. That was the day I actually decided that I could be that woman who has that guy...(with moments of self doubt arising quite frequently) I also decided that I would never dress head to toe in black anymore, the depression dressing had to go.... I need colour, first reds, then whites, now any colour I feel like. I also now dress for my body shape, to embrace the curves and not hide them. they are a part of who I am.
I have read all the books like "The Secret" and "Ask and you shall recieve" ...... done the things they suggest, even applied feng shui to my bedroom. He's still not here. Neither has my finances improved :-)
The Witch in me says cast a spell for prosperity, and cast a spell to invite "The One" into your life. Allow these things to come to you. Back it up by exercising so you feel great, wear clothes that make you feel worthy, tell yourself you are worthy, read the book suggested by a friend that is so clearly working :-D
Yet.... I'm actually scared that it won't happen, not for me. I know thats a big no no if you want to manifest something in your life. I know that, I scream inside myself that I need to think positive to get positive things in my life..... I'm my own worst enemy.
The stupid thing is, although "The One" would love me as I am..... I actually fear him not liking certain things about me......
The only conclusion I can come to is to listen to The Witch Inside myself.
Thanks for listening